It is nothing new to say that the expat life can be a lonely one. But what exactly is expat loneliness? Is it run of the mill isolation that we just perceive through the lens of a cultural disconnect, or is it something deeper?
A recent InterNations Expat Insider survey found that while the Netherlands is a great place to work, loneliness levels are high among expats. According to the study, we struggle to settle in, and it is hard to make local friends. However, I don’t see what is unique about the Netherlands on this front. It is hard to make friends anywhere as an adult, and for us English speakers, the Netherlands is one of the easiest countries in Europe to connect with others.
Of course, there are a host of complicated emotions that come with moving abroad. For example, there is the guilt for leaving our loved ones. There is also a contradictory sense of resentment at the fact life has gone on without us at home. Then, there is the estrangement and unknowingness that coats your disposition when you live somewhere else.
But there is also a difference between people who move abroad but have every intention of going home, compared to those of us who intend to stay overseas. The Netherlands tends to attract more of the latter. In this case, and speaking from a purely psychological position, I would argue that our loneliness is rooted in a kind of cultural hiraeth.
Okay, but how do I navigate it?
When you type ‘combat expat loneliness’ into Google, you will find tips like building a routine, joining Facebook groups or taking a language class. While these are obviously useful, try to also focus on the exciting aspects of living abroad. For example, if you don’t belong anywhere, then your home can be everywhere. Studies also show that living abroad strengthens our neuropathways (aka it can make us smarter).
You take yourself everywhere
Further, be mindful about pinning everything on the fact you live abroad. When we are struggling with negative emotions, thoughts like ‘oh I would be so happy if I wasn’t stuck here’ can start to take over. While this may be true, and perhaps it is time to go home, it could also be a sign that you’re struggling with other issues.
Or, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “if you feel lonely when you’re alone, then you’re in bad company”. Finding a way to be curious about our thoughts as though they were someone else’s is a great way to reduce the ache of loneliness. After all, it is called an inner dialogue for a reason.
